Derek Jeter Has 3,304 Hits, From a Bong, Then Proceeds To Eat All the Lunchables in Nick Swisher’s Pantry, Thus Becoming Fat These Days

Turns out his memorable dive into the stands in the playoffs in 2004 was because he spotted a half-eaten Carl’s cheesesteak underneath one of the seats.

Spencer Pratt Appears To Have Truly Enjoyed His Recent Stint on “I’m a Celebrity… Get Me 30 Cases of Chocodiles”

He claims it’s all just SmartWater weight.

William Howard Taft Was Fat Those Days, When The White House Was Actually Just a Giant House in Which Every Room Was a White Castle

I’ve always been fascinated by the fatness of William Howard Taft, mainly because I grew up on a street called Taft Crescent. When asked for my address, no one ever understood said street (“Taft Crescent Street? Taft Crescent Avenue?”), so I’d always have to spell out “T-A-F-T”, then say, “and crescent, like a crescent roll.” I’m pretty sure William Howard Taft would’ve liked that description, then quickly eaten it.

This guy at Gunaxin was nice enough to create the handy line graph below of Taft’s weight swings over the years. Luckily for us, he saved his peak fatness for when he was president, when people were forced to take photos of him even though he was totally digusting.

Some other Taft fat-facts:
-Despite standing only 5-11, he tipped ‘em at a Louie Andersonish 340lbs at his max
-His nicknames included “Big Bill, “Big Chief”, “Big Lub” (winner), and “Old Bill”, which doesn’t make any reference to his fatness, and therefore sucks
-He was somehow Yale’s intramural heavyweight wrestling champion, a title presumably won by wrestling actual murals, which are not very good at wrestling
-He was reported to be a “rather skilled dancer”
-Everyone knows that he got stuck in his bathtub. Not everyone knows that it took four men and a pound of butter to dislodge him. Taft reportedly exclaimed “I can’t believe it’s not butter,” and the guys were all “No, it’s totally butter,” and Taft was like, “Well shit, gimme that butter then,” and just ate the butter. Then they got him out with WD-40.*

*very not-true

Introducing: Who’s Fat THOSE Days?

I’m not sure if it’s the Paleo Diet or some new food pyramid the government released that emphasizes cocaine consumption, but there haven’t been a lot of newly fat celebs recently. That’s why Who’s Fat These Days is unveiling a new weekly program: Who’s Fat Those Days, which’ll drop a historical heart attack waiting to happen every Friday. Enjoy them like they enjoyed the 46,000 giant turkey legs they’ve each consumed on average.

Ghost Bruce Willis May Not Really Exist, But All Those Mozzarella Sticks Haley Joel Osment Sees Certainly Do, Which’s Why He’s Fat These Days

When he signed up for A.I., he was under the impression that it stood for Apple-Pie Ice Cream. He hasn’t spoken to Spielberg since production ended.

Turns Out All That Time Rudy Giuliani Talked About 9-11, He Was Actually Referencing A Convenience Store Chain Whose Taquitos Are .29 Times Bigger Than 7-11’s, Explaining Why He’s Nice and Fat These Days

OMG, he’s just going to look dreadful in that pink gown. Dreadful!!!

It’s Not Necessarily Always Sunny In Philadelphia Anymore, Depending on Where Mac is Standing in Relation to You and the Sun, Because He Is Fat These Days

Apparently he put the weight on intentionally, though, to be hilarious, presumably in Charlie’s upcoming production of “7-11BigBiteMan”. Seems to be working so far.

Somebody Needs to Get Diego Maradona a Bunch of Cocaine, and Fast, Because He is Terrifyingly Fat These Days


Few People Can Understand The Words That Are Coming Out of Chris Tucker’s Mouth, as it’s Generally Full of the Delicious Domino’s Cinnastix That Keep Him Fat These Days

Whenever Jackie Chan comes over for Asian night and ends up comatose from over-consumption, Tucker has been known to stand over him screaming “you got wok’d the…fuck out!,” then have that very wok stolen by Deebo.

It’s also beyond worth noting that he starred as “Rapper” in the timeless Mark Curry vehicle Hangin’ With Mr. Cooper, in a 1992 episode entitled “Please Pass the Jock.”

Axl Rose Is Proving That The Spaghetti Incident Actually Happens Every Night at 7pm, and Then Again at 10, and Again At Midnight, Altogether Making Him Fat These Days

In a recent interview, the Guns ‘N Roses frontman revealed actually wrote the band’s first hit, “It’s So Easy,” after watching the Old 96er scene from the Great Outdoors.